“If you’re a doctor I’m Gamel Abdul Nasser”

There are all kinds of scams around Cairo designed to get tourists to unload some cash. Although they are annoying I kind of get a kick out of the creativity sometimes. Some of the most common are the Papyrus and Lotus Museums. A guy will approach you in the street speaking broken English and after the “Hi what’s your name,” “Where ya going,” they will tell you that you are very lucky because they are actually a doctor as well as the curator of a local museum. Then they will inevitably pull out some plastic pieces of paper telling you that they are ancient Egyptian documents but that he will sell them to you for a great price. The sheer number of these guys roaming the streets makes you wonder just how many tourists have fallen for their trap. I’ve never followed one to their “Museum” but I can imagine it would be a store selling overpriced lotus oil and fake papyrus. I came up with some easy and kind of entertaining ways to get rid of these guys. Probably the most fun is to hit them with their own line before they can unload it on you. Whenever a guy approaches me and asks my name in that sing-song voice I’ll respond to him in Arabic and tell him that he is very lucky because I am an American doctor of Egyptology and I am here selling real papyrus but that I’ll give it to him for a great price. They usually laugh tepidly and sulk off. Once, after a long day I was kind of tired and I told a guy “If you’re a doctor, then I’m Gamel Abdul Nasser (the former Egyptian president) he didn’t think it was that funny some of the onlookers were rolling laughing. Of course not all of these guys are bad, in the end they are just trying to make a living and there are actually some that are pretty intelligent like my friend Dr. Shareef.

I met Dr. Shareef after leaving the Egyptian museum. I was waiting to cross the street at Tahrir square (if there were elephants and crocodiles at the end this would be a perfect re-enactment of frogger) and someone behind me said “You’ve got to close your eyes, pray to allah and run for it.” He introduced himself as Dr. Shareef head of Egyptology at the Egyptian Museum, but I’ll tell you if somehow he really does work at the museum they don’t give great dental there. Dr. Shareef gave me his typical line about papyrus museums and I politely refused. When it was clear that I wasn’t going to buy anything from him he diverted to another scam which is to invite me for tea and then give me a sad story and ask for me to cover his tea and give him some money (this had actually happened once and although I didn’t give the guy any money I ended up having to pay for his Mcdonalds). At this point I was kind of fed up with these scams so I devised my own little scam. As soon as we got our tea I gave Dr. Shareef a long speal about how I had lost my wallet and had no money or a place to stay. I told him I was so happy to have met a real doctor because he may be able to help me out. At first he didn’t really know how to act but then he just laughed told me he would pay for my tea to help me out ( about 20 cents) and excused himself saying he had an appointment with another curator. Can’t scam a scammer!!! This however, wouldn’t be the last time I met Dr. Shareef. The next day I left my hotel just after Fatoor (sunset during Ramadan when Muslims break their fast) looking for a place to eat dinner. Lo and behold who do I run into in a city of 17 million people than my friend Dr. Shareef. He invited me to dinner and although I was at first hesitant I figured at the worst if it turned out to be a scam I could just walk away, luckily it turned out not to be a scam at all. During Ramadan a lot of Mosques prepare food for the needy and homeless. That is where Dr. Shareef brought me and I ended up eating with many of the “docors” I had met throughout the past few days. It had to be the strangest group ever, a bunch of homeless “doctors” and a sunbaked tourist eating Fatoor in an alleyway off Tahrir square. After Fatoor Shareef and had some tea and hookah and stayed up talking until late into the night. He turned out to be a very well informed guy and I learned more about Arabic literature, Cairo and the Revolution in that conversation than I had in all the news reports and book that I’ve read.